Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Is the Glambulge Shrinking?

Adam Lambert, runner-up of American Idol season 8, just announced he will reprise his performance with the iconic band Queen at this summer's Sonisphere in Knebworth, UK. Currently, Lambert is in the UK for media promotion of his upcoming album “Trespassing”, due out sometime.

Lambert, who is openly gay, was spotted entering the office of Dr. Carl “Curlie” Bush, London's highest profile urologist. Biggest Leeker tapped into a source who reports they overheard the statement "I think my penis is shrinking!" Our source also mentioned hearing "one-half inch (12.7mm)" but the remainder of the conversation was muffled. As Lambert exited the exam room Dr. Bush was jesting for Lambert to lay off the juicing and enjoy more ice cream.

Biggest Leeker’s coincidence radar was aroused by the most recent blog post from Lambert’s partner and Finnish reality star Sauli Moreskinin, who did not accompany Lambert on the appointment. He wrote about having part of their matching “OOFTA” tattoos altered.  The tattoos were immediately spotted on both men by fans and provided months of Twitter fodder discussing the possible meaning of the word. After a huge online survey, Tweeps voted with resounding confidence the string of letters must have something to do with Moreskinin’s reaction to first seeing Lambert’s junk.

Biggest Leeker interviewed a urologist in Los Angeles to get a professional opinion on why any male penis would shrink.  Dr. Deepan Long explained that in 98% of cases penis shrinkage is an illusion:

“Lifestyle changes can throw a man’s perception off. For instance, loss of belly fat in some patients can be quite a shock. Suddenly they can actually see their penis and it’s not as big as they remember."

"Also, when males reach milestone birthdays like 30, 40 or 50, they focus more on potential sexual problems. TV commercials plant subliminal fears."

 Dr. Long continued, "Men begin to pay more attention to things like how long they can hold an erection, how long it takes them to climax or how many times they can climax. They become obsessed with statistics and bring measurement tools into the bedroom. With the release of the popular new iPackage Analyzer app for the iPhone the number of concerned patients has exploded. The new app allows the user to upload a picture of a full erection. It calculates all dimensions and returns a comparative analysis complete with pie charts and geographical density data. Most of the calls we receive are simply from patients who forgot to change their personal settings since the app converts all its calculations to US or metric. 22.9cm is 9” in the US. So it’s easy to understand why a man overseas could be alarmed or why a man in the US thinks he’s ready to be a porn star.”

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Adam Lambert: "Glitter is dead to me"

Adam Lambert has proclaimed:
“Glitter is dead to me”.
Mr. Lambert refers to his new style as more “organic”.

Is it December 21, 2012?
Could it be the end of the world as the Glambert’s know it?
Organic - Glam? Can you say “Orglamic”?

And what about the GLAMberts?
Will the fan base have to accept a new name?
How about the “Orglamberts”?

Biggest Leeker went straight to Lambert’s fans, formerly known as his “Glamberts”, to feel their pulse, if they still have one.

On the surface it appears stock prices for glitter related industries are plummeting and Glamberts are rushing to crafting websites, scrambling to figure out how to reuse or repurpose their glitter. Some are seeking proper disposal methods for their unused stash.
Here's what some of the fans have to say:

RainbowGlitterFairy: I have to change my avi name. It’s like I’m losing my identity.

GlitterCraftFreak: I still had the price tags on some of my bags of glitter but the craft store won’t give me my money back since it’s been over 30 days since I bought it. I could use the store credit to buy some yarn and a “How to Knit” book.

Tweeny: I don’t like our new fan group name. G comes before O in the alphabet so the Beliebers have even more of an edge on us now. I HATE YOU ADAM ORGLAMBERT!

AdamCleanMyHouse: I made the mistake of trying to flush my glitter down the toilet. It exploded all over my bathroom. Adam, come and clean my bathroom.

EarthLuvsAdam: I’m concerned about the environment. Glitter is not biodegradable. Here we are giving money to Adam’s clean water charity and ruining our own water supply at the same time. ‘Xcuse me while I hug this tree and hum a song to heal our planet.

LilKatie: I just wrote a paper for school about glitter. Now I have to go to the library again.

FlashInThePan: I called my local food bank and homeless shelter and neither of them have any use for my glitter.

OffMyRocker: I got rid of all my boring gray and beige clothes and bought all this stuff with sparkles and spikes. I’m on a fixed income and can’t afford new clothes again.

Tasty: Here is a brand new picture of Adam not wearing any glitter. I enhanced the… What are we calling the Glambulge now? Does he still jizz glitter?

Moreskinin:  Good news for me, no more picking glitter out of my teeth.

DiscoTattoo: I hear feathers are the next thing to go. I guess my peacock sleeve tattoo is too cliché’ now.

GNL20Timer: I can’t even imagine what the merch will look like on the next tour. Macrame hanging planters? At least we won’t set off the metal detectors.

PugsyWugsy: Glitter wasn’t good for dogs anyway. Whatever my Master says is good enuf for me.

Master:  :(

WackyKittn: I evacuated to escape a hurricane and I couldn't decide between my glitter or my cats.

GlowSchtick: How will I spread Adam’s light without the reflective glitter?

LOLEllen: I knew this would happen. I even blogged about it.

Flumingo@camp: The whole thing makes me nervous.

Ferret:  I’m not arguing. He said glitter is dead to him, not us. He can’t speak for us.

Lambertlate:  @WackyKittn My cats always come first.  Was that a personal attack on me?

MeatAndVegies: I agree with @Ferret. After Adam said glitter is dead, I can’t believe anyone would still have any glitter. DO NOT BUY GLITTER from those scum sucking leeches.

OrglambertCliveDavis: I’m “Orglambert #1”.

Xenith:  Can I be "Orglambert #2"?

ComeInMe:  It saddens me (frowny)

ImTerrific: I’ve been a supporter of glitter for years. Even though Adam has the best voice I ever heard, I think he should have stuck with the glitter. Madonna still uses glitter after 30 years.

TerrificWife: Adam Lambert is dead to me.

BegForMalcolm: I’ll sue that bastard. I own most of the glitter warehoused in Hollywood.

ChuynkyChimp:  What bullshittery is this?  Lambert gifs without glitter may as well be Levine gifs.

LoveLightPeace: Can’t we still get along? Sure, we will look different. But isn’t that what makes the Orglamily special?

JamesDisdurbin: Shit! I just wanted to give glitter a chance.

CarryCoals:  Any Glamberts who purchesed large amounts of glitter in anticipashun of years of glamming it up for Adam Lambert, I am preparing a class action lawsoot  I am an atturny.  Please contact me on Twitter.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Biggest Leeker Presented with Prestigious Award

Biggest Leeker was presented with the prestigious “Rumer Mills Memorial Award” at a ceremony on Sunday in Toronto.

The annual award was given to Biggest Leeker for outstanding news leek reporting. Biggest Leeker won the award in the “Individual Celebrity” category for their Adam Lambert news leeks, which can be seen on their web site, BiggestLeeker.com. The award is in memory of Rumer Mills who was a young freelance photographer that was run over by Sonny Bono’s chauffeur while trying to capture a rare photo of the singer turned politician. 

Phillip Byrd, managing partner for Lambert’s public relations firm, “Phillip Morris Moore”, granted Biggest Leeker a coveted interview slot with Lambert after hearing about the award win.

Lambert, who is openly gay and finished as runner-up on Season 8 of American Idol is currently in New York City catching some Broadway shows and doing regional promotions for his upcoming album, “Trespassing”.

Although not a fan of Mr.Lambert, Mia Newcomer, a quickly hired intern who needed journalism credits, met with Lambert yesterday for the interview.

Byrd filmed the meeting for future PR use and provided a transcript.


Mia Newcomer (MN): So you’re Adam Lambert?

Adam Lambert (AL): Yah, nice to meet you. I like your jacket. I love jackets.

MN: What’s with your jacket? I swear every picture I see of you you’re wearing that same jacket.

AL: Awe. I like this one. It’s one of my favorites. It’s so comfy.

MN: OK, enough with the chit chat. I look at you and all I see is my 3 college credits. To be honest, I never really liked you. I was a huge fan of Danny Gokey. In fact, I think he would have been in the finale but they already had Queen booked assuming you would be the winner. So speaking of Queen, I guess you got your dream job replacing Mercury?

AL: Awe. I was a fan of Danny too. He’s really talented. And so down to earth and honest. But as far as Queen is concerned, Brian and Roger, they are so down to earth, they expressed a desire to work together back on the Idol finale and I was so honored

MN: We know. We know. So when do you start? I bet a lot of Queen fans are pissed.

AL: Well, I promised to keep it a secret. You will hear soon...ish.

MN: OK, so I really know nothing about you to do this interview and I only had a day to prepare. So I scoured your fan sites and checked out your Twitter feed to see what your “Glamberts” wanna know. What I really found out is you have the stupidest fans ever. I saw someone on your Twitter feed asking you if your Finnish boyfriend, Sauili Moreskinin* has his foreskin. I mean, what the actual fuck? And they talk about your crotch. Then they want to touch your hair. Idiots.

AL: Awe, I love my Glamberts. They are so dedicated and passionate. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t even have a second album. I spent the last year

MN: So since he’s not American, I assume he has his foreskin?

AL: Of course! So I spent the last year touring and I really got a feel for who my audi

MN: So now that we know that you take your coffee with Half & Half and sweetener, the obvious question is what color sweetener packet do you prefer, the pink, blue, yellow or the green?

AL: That’s kind of personal. I’ll just keep it a mystery for now. Actually my album, called “Trespassing”, kind of lets my fans know a lot more about me. It lifts the veil so to speak. The first half of the songs are dance, funk, kind of 90s club

MN: So what’s the release date?

AL: We are working on some last minute details and right now we are looking at a possible date in April…ish.

MN: Are you kidding me? Just yesterday I read it was March 20th. I mean, what the actual fuck?

AL: I want it to be perfect. Trust me, it will be worth the wait. I am the executive producer and I am doing the art direction on all the

MN: Yah I heard. Can you say “control freak”?

AL: I know I know. But my first album was done in like 2 months while I was on tour and

MN: OK, let’s move on. Here’s a good one. Regarding toilet paper, are you a scruncher or a folder?

AL: (Laughs and winces) Really? Where did you find that question? Next?

MN: So after your wakeup call in a Finnish jail, you’ve decided to live a healthier lifestyle. Let’s say we make this different than the other 50 times you’ve answered this ridiculous question. Tell me your bad habit and tell me what you replaced it with. AND don’t say the word “juice”. I had to listen to hours of YouTube interviews and all I hear is “juice, juicing, juice cleanse”. I mean, what the actual fuck?

AL: Yah, the Universe does send wake-up calls. And I admit we’ve become one of Hollywood’s most boring couples. Let’s see, gone are “Marijuana Mondays”. They have been replaced with mango juice… Oh that’s right I can’t say juice. Sorry. “Taco and Tequila Tuesdays” have been replaced with Tuesday breakfast burritos and avocado Juice. Damn it I said it again. “Whip Me Wednesdays” are now just Wednesday workouts that begin with a juice cleanse. Oh I said it again. We used to refer to Thursdays as “Thumbs Up Our Butts Thursdays” because we would just sit around the house and plan our weekend. Now Thursdays are for grocery shopping. We don’t even have cool names for our days any more. We really are boring. The weekends have really changed. “Freaky Fridays”, “Saturday Sploshing” that’s how we got rid of leftovers, and “Slumping Sundays”... Did you know that Absolut Vodka used to sponsor our weekends? Now we enjoy watching TV and preparing our own food. Eating in restaurants can really pack

MN: Gee, look at the time. I didn’t even get a chance to ask what happened to that beige Ford Focus you won on Idol. I suppose you donated it to some charity auction?

AL: I never had a beige Ford anything. They let us pick out anything we

MN: Whatever. Got enough to get my credits.

AL: (Stands up and reaches for Mia’s hand to help her up) It was really nice to meet you. It’s been fun.

MN: Wow, you’re so tall. I guess I always assume that gay guys are all little twerps.

AL: I’m actually 6’1”, plus 6” of hair, 3” heels

MN: Mmmmm, you smell good. What scent are you wearing?

AL: I made it myself in our new juicer. (Giggles) I guess I do say juice a lot.

MN: (Looks him up and down) Love those jeans. They fit nice too. (Giggles) I just noticed you have freckles on your lips. Oh my God! Can I have a hug?

AL: Of course.


*Editor’s Note: Several spellings of Lambert’s boy toy have been used by the press. Since Lambert did confirm that Sauli’s foreskin is intact, we are using the spelling “Moreskinin”.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

FUX Network & Adam Lambert to "Fan the Flames" on reality TV

Fans of American Idol and Season 8 runner-up Adam Lambert, will be thrilled to know that FUX Network is in talks with Lambert, who is openly gay, to launch a new reality series.

Lambert has just released his video “Better Than I Know Myself”, for the first single from his album “Trespassing”, due for release on March 20, 2012. The video shows a split screen with a dark temperament Lambert, decked out in leather, spilling tequila and setting a fire, while the light natured Adam sports comfy clothes, sips tea and practices yoga.

FUX shared their strategy with Biggest Leeker and said upon first view of Lambert's video they decided to pursue Lambert for their highly anticipated show.

An executive from FUX, Seymour Green, met with Lambert at the popular California Jews Bar and revealed exclusively to Biggest Leeker that he and Lambert had a very productive meeting while sharing a leek, kale and eggplant beverage.

Green confirmed that details have been hashed out and the new show is called “Burning Idol”.

Additional details of the show have been leeked, but not confirmed.

21 finalists will take a glammed up school bus to the middle of the dessert near Black Cock City where The Burning Man Festival is held each year.

Subjected to similar harsh rigors in the desert experienced at Burning Man, the contestant's first challenge is to build a giant wooden likeness of Ryan Seacrest.

Clothing will be optional for the contestants and Lambert, who will be the Executive producer and emcee, is rumored to being open to also appearing naked. Personal rituals will be prohibited, such as shaving and showering. All foods and pharmaceuticals must be 100% natural and organic. Nightly feasts may include psychedelic mushrooms, provided from the show’s first sponsor, Beyonce’s “Blue Ivy Organic Nursery”, and will likely unleash the raw and unique talent of each contestant.

After two weeks in the desert without basic luxuries, the contestants will strap the idol-like effigy of Seacrest to their bus and return to Hollywood where they perform their own vocal arrangements inspired by their Burning Man-like experiences. Song choices are limited to selections that have been heard at least 3 times throughout Idol’s 11 successful seasons and all of the past “coronation masterpieces”.

After the wooden Seacrest effigy has served its purpose as set décor, it will be set ablaze as the winner is crowned.

Biggest Leeker is actively trying to obtain a statement from FUX as to how the show will be edited for the family friendly audience.

No judges have been announced formally but Biggest Leeker is predicting a list of possibilities that include Ohpera, Poola Abdool, and Lambert's longtime friend Peerez Hilton.

Although no major sponsor has stepped up to award a lucrative recording contract for the top performers, there is speculation Lambert will feature the winner and runner-up in his next music video.