A letter addressed to Adam Lambert's fan mail address was mistakenly delivered to an undisclosed recipient. The letter from a 55 year old Glambert laments over how to purchase and enjoy Adam's new music without hurting him. These "Smotherhens" as they are called have been inundated with suggestions that they are uncool, too old and ultimately hurting Adam's image.
Adam Lambert was the runner-up on the eighth season of American Idol and is openly gay.
"Trespassing", Lambert's second studio album, debuted at #1. Demographic statistics proved that 96.9% of first day sales (including pre-sales) were from women over age 50 who purchased multiple copies. When second week sales plummeted it was decided that Lambert not tour North America in order to not tarnish his image any further. Lambert's former label and management quickly learned that these older females' income was in the top two percentile and many were able to travel to multiple concerts during his "Not in the USA" tour. Although Lambert has never complained publicly about his biggest supporters, one of his crew members said the smell of wrinkled vaginas in the front row was palpable.
OMG, Lambert's new management company, announced that "Grotto Spa on Fire" is the first single from "The Original High", and will be released on April 1, 2015. OMG will be proactive in keeping the "Over 50 Shades of Cray" from hijacking Lambert's success this time around. Glamberts of a certain age have been given their instructions on how best to behave in advance of the single release. The goal of Lambert's team for "Era 3" as it's been called, is to have a Platinum hit from radio play in the US and to achieve that status with the majority of first week album sales from the 12-29 demographic, even though that ideal demographic does not listen to radio or purchase physical albums.
OMG has published these instructions and hopes that the Glamberts don't take them personally and understand the guidelines are designed to protect Adam Lambert. Statistics show that his image was damaged considerably from his recent worldwide, sold out tour fronting the legendary Queen.
Males age 12-19: Wait for the single release, then hit Shazam on any of Lambert's music. Make an Adam Lambert channel on Pandora and listen on your phone on the school bus. Please purchase the single on iTunes and/or Amazon as soon as it is available as they closely track demographics. If you have time after your homework is done, between the hours of 8-11PM EST, Google "Grotto Spa on Fire" or "The Original High" and Tweet using the hashtag #YoungStraightSingleMaleGlambertLovesGrottoSpaOnFire. We apologize for the hashtag using so many of your 140 characters, but it is crucial since trending on Twitter in the near future will count toward album sales figures.
Males age 20-29: Those of you who have a job in this lousy economy, starting now, while at work, hit Shazam on any of Lambert's music and listen to your Adam Lambert channel on Pandora. On your home computer listen to Adam's newer music on Spotify. We know you already Listen to Top 40 radio stations online at home and we ask that you fill out the online request forms, requesting "Grotto Spa on Fire". Do not listen to any other stations, especially online, including Conservative Talk/News, Oldies or Adult Contemporary. If you are unemployed or underemployed, please refrain from listening to Adam Lambert until June 1, 2015.
Males age 30-49: We understand that you probably work a high paying job during the day and have no time to bother with music. But we need your sales numbers. Please open a Twitter account and state your age as 25 as it has been determined to be the optimum "cool" demographic. During your lunch break, no matter what time zone you live in, Tweet using the hashtag #YoungStraightSingleMaleGlambertLovesGrottoSpaOnFire. This is important because the 12-19 males who love Adam Lambert don't currently exist according to the latest statistics. We believe that this demographic did exist at one time but since Lambert took too long of a break between albums to tour with Queen, they now fall into the next age bracket.
Males over 50: At any time when you are not hooked up to oxygen, ask your caretaker or second wife to make an Adam Lambert channel on Pandora. That's not too complicated and most of his music is calming. If you have an android or iPhone, please Tweet to @Adamlambert so he sees it and use the hashtag #GayMaleLovesAdamLambert. This leaves you a few characters to say something sweet to him. He's looking for love right now anyway. If you are awake when he answers your Tweet, please play along and Tweet to brag that Adam Tweeted you. This will cause his 2.4 million Smotherhen followers to breathe a happy sigh and cream their adult diapers. Ultimately this hurts Adam but he gets a kick out of it.
Females under 15: Although we know you are out there, please, when using Twitter and other social media, refer to Adam as "Uncle Adam". We know that a week feels like a year, but please wait until April 8, 2015 to purchase "Grotto Spa on Fire" from iTunes using the gift card you got for your birthday from your Glambert Grannie. Since statistics show this gift card was at least $100, please buy Taylor Swift's new single also.
Females 16-25: Congratulations! Besides the males 12-19, you are the young, hip demographic Adam needs to be successful. If you did not pre-order, feel free to buy "Grotto Spa on Fire" within the first hour of its release. If you are in school, please leave your iPad or tablet at home and ask your stepmother to log into your account to buy it. It's important that you use an online source to place the order. Please use all forms of social media to say how much you love Adam Lambert and that you want to have sex with him. Although the universe knows you will never have that chance, it still helps his image. If you have ever had your picture taken with Adam and you are petite and cute, feel free to use that picture in your profile. Please do not use your own assessment of your cuteness. We suggest you ask ten friends if you could pass as a pretty androgynous elf. The Smotherthens get a kick out of pretending you are one of those twinks that Adam sleeps with. It gives them fresh ideas for their fanfic. The stuff with Kris Allen, although pretty damned hot, is outdated. NOTE: Google the term "grotto spa" if you don't know what it is. Adam has one in his back yard and it is what inspired the single "Grotto Spa on Fire".
Females 26-49: We love you but please wait til June 1, 2015 to purchase or request "Grotto Spa on Fire". If you are 49 and your 50th birthday is before 12/31/2015, please read the instructions for the following demographic.
Females over 50 shades of Cray: Seriously, OMG loves your enthusiasm, unending support and most of all your money, but you are hurting Adam. We beg you to delete your Twitter accounts even if you have lied about your age and have an awesome picture of Adam with your sorry, fat, ugly self as your profile picture. All your demographic info was taken the day you signed up for his official web site, fan club and Facebook. If you write a blog or created a Facebook group that can document more than 19 members or readers, please change the spelling of Adam's name to "Adam Larnbert". It still looks like his name but it's not. It's LARNBERT and any hits to these will not damage him as much. We know everything about you based on the pictures you click on, the tee shirts you buy and the comments you make about wanting to have sex with him. It's creepy. Just stop. Do not purchase the single "Grotto Spa on Fire". Wait for the CD to come out later this year. We have no release date yet as Adam is still suggesting edits to the pictures every time one of his muscles gets bigger. He knows that chest is looking pretty fine and is debating about including any of the shirtless pics he had taken. The last photo shoot included some clothing provided by Dolce and Gabana and he is thinking about protesting by including a scene in his music video for "Grotto Spa on Fire" where he destroys the clothing by throwing them in his grotto spa, which is on fire. Of course we are begging you to please not watch the video on the internet and to have one of your kids purchase "The Original High" at Walmart or Target instead any online source where demographics are closely monitored. Again, Adam has not said anything publicly about you gals, but we are working on other ways to keep you from hurting him any further. Tee shirts at the Adam Store will no longer be available in Large, X-Large and 1X, 2X or 3X. 4X will remain available since it's cheaper to let you wear that tee shirt than to put an ad on the side of a bus. We also ask that you do not make your own tee shirts from pictures you find online or knit afghans with Adam's image. This hurts Adam more than you know. Last of all, a tour is being planned, and unlike Glam Nation and Queen + Adam Lambert, we ask that you please stay home. We will do our best to make live streams more readily available and we are working on other online sources that you can enjoy that do not track your demographics.
Again, we hope you won't take any of this personally no matter which demographic you fit into as we know you only want the very best for Adam. As his new management this goes beyond Adam being "for your entertainment" and making money (Thank you Queen). This is about Adam's image as being young, hip and gorgeous with fans who are also young, hip and gorgeous. We also thank you on behalf of Adam for your past support that has allowed him to buy a fancy house in Hollywood Hills with a grotto spa, a Bentley Continental and some new boots.
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