Monday, July 27, 2015

Adam's Apple Deal - Lambert is their pick

Just hours after performing at a gala for Apple employees, Adam Lambert reportedly signed a deal with Apple that makes him the "Apple of our i", said Jonathan Braeburn, an Apple spokesperson.

Braeburn reports that  Mr. Lambert was given an iWatch before his performance and several employees of the computer empire noticed how delicious the watch looked on his tattooed arm and contacted Appolonia Cortland, our marketing director, to put a worm in her ear.

Lambert, who is openly gay and runner-up from Season 8 of American iDol, has been using and loving Apple products for some time and often says he would be lost without his iPhone and that it's the first thing he looks in the morning before he slithers out of bed.  According to one of our sources, Lambert won't have to worry about being phoneless for at least nine years, as the deal, at its core, is reported to be in the millions.

Compared to other celebrity endorsements, this is "apples and oranges", said Cortland.  Mr. Lambert, with his striking All-American good looks and red hair will be our model, spokesperson, and co-author our new "iDiots guides" which will be available online for all our products. 

Lambert will also help launch several new products.  Watch for our dumpling on New Year's Eve in the Big Apple demonstrating the revolutionary iCondom that promises to take sex back to the original high.  The iCondom can be synched to your partner's iPhone, and using the free "app-pole", can set an alarm, give you a warning call when your partner is ready to climax and detect certain sexually transmitted diseases.

Studies have recently shown that many people don't like to wear watches, especially one as bulky as our iWatch, that was created for hands-free driving.  Adam's tattooed arms, the left and the right, will be replicated in the development of the iLimbs.  The prosthetic arms, which are fitted with the iWatch, attach easily to the steering wheel or gear shift and can be synched to perform many tasks that normally can't be done while driving like taking pictures and video.  Our correspondent questioned why anyone would need such a product, but Cortland assured him that even though it sounds like a novelty, Apple is confident that every Sparkle Cow from Rome to Fuji, will want one, or both.

Disclaimer: Biggest Leeker is 100% fake news exclusively about Adam Lambert and is proud to be the only fake news site dedicated exclusively to one artist.

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