Adam's Apple Deal - Lambert is their pick

Just hours after performing at a gala for Apple employees, Adam Lambert reportedly signed a deal with Apple that makes him the "Apple of our i", said Jonathan Braeburn, an Apple spokesperson.

Braeburn reports that  Mr. Lambert was given an iWatch before his performance and several employees of the computer empire noticed how delicious the watch looked on his tattooed arm and contacted Appolonia Cortland, our marketing director, to put a worm in her ear.


Lambert, who is openly gay and runner-up from Season 8 of American iDol, has been using and loving Apple products for some time and often says he would be lost without his iPhone and that it's the first thing he looks in the morning before he slithers out of bed.  According to one of our sources, Lambert won't have to worry about being phoneless for at least nine years, as the deal, at its core, is reported to be in the millions.

Compared to other celebrity endorsements, this is "apples and oranges", said Cortland.  Mr. Lambert, with his striking All-American good looks and red hair will be our model, spokesperson, and co-author our new "iDiots guides" which will be available online for all our products. 

Lambert will also help launch several new products.  Watch for our dumpling on New Year's Eve in the Big Apple demonstrating the revolutionary iCondom that promises to take sex back to the original high.  The iCondom can be synched to your partner's iPhone, and using the free "app-pole", can set an alarm, give you a warning call when your partner is ready to climax and detect certain sexually transmitted diseases.

Studies have recently shown that many people don't like to wear watches, especially one as bulky as our iWatch, that was created for hands-free driving.  Adam's tattooed arms, the left and the right, will be replicated in the development of the iLimbs.  The prosthetic arms, which are fitted with the iWatch, attach easily to the steering wheel or gear shift and can be synched to perform many tasks that normally can't be done while driving like taking pictures and video.  Our correspondent questioned why anyone would need such a product, but Cortland assured him that even though it sounds like a novelty, Apple is confident that every Sparkle Cow from Rome to Fuji, will want one, or both.

Disclaimer: Biggest Leeker is 100% fake news exclusively about Adam Lambert and is proud to be the only fake news site dedicated exclusively to one artist.

Adam Lambert sings "moooooo"

Adam Lambert shows fan love by subliminally implanting a "Moo-Code" into his newest song, "Another Lonely Night", now available on hiTunes.

Every ear perked up in a subdivision of the Glamberts when they heard what they describe as a "mating call", said a member of the herd who calls herself "Beau Vine".  The "Sparkle Cows", as they jokingly call themselves, are a group of Adam Lambert fans who are old(er), chubbier and like to dress up, but feel like they are not wanted at Lambert's appearances, especially at radio stations that target a younger, gay male demographic.  Lambert is openly gay.

With every one of Lambert's album releases, Beau Vine said the cows feel more and more disaffected.  She went on to say that some of the Sparkle Cows were especially enraged when new marching orders asked them to stay home and stay off of social media as Lambert’s first single, "Ghost Town”, was released.  (http://linkis.com/JpcdU) 

Beau Vine reported the cows breathed a sigh of relief when they heard the "Moo-Code" within the lyrics of “Another Lonely Night” that Adam did indeed still love them.  But when Lambert was asked about the "moo" in an interview, he played coy and said the trippy noise was added by the sound people.  This led Biggest Leeker researchers to Sweden where Lambert wrote and recorded much of his album, "The Original High".

A source at the recording studio where Lambert, Max Martini and Spellburg produced several of the tracks explained that just like in animated films where an artist likes to "tag" his work with subliminal messages, sound people try to sneak in their own messages into songs.  But our anonymous source shared that Lambert himself requested the special sound, making sure it was engineered so that his faithful cows would hear it loud and clear.  The entire team accompanied Lambert on a field trip to Sweden’s countryside to listen carefully to cows in order to duplicate their soothing sound.

In a related case, based on complaints that the fan packages for "The Original High" didn't have larger sizes available, Lambert's marketing firm announced that due to high demand, special merchandise would be available before his next tour, which reportedly is being planned for 2016-ish. 
Pre-orders are being taken for the following items:

Glam MooMoo- From plus size designer Iva Givens Uppah, this cow print, tie-dyed, black and white top is "one size fits all" and is made from really stretchy cotton/spandex and randomly embellished with rhinestones.
$169.95 + shipping and extra handling

Moo Shoes- Made from the finest leather, the 4" black platform shoes make it easier to see for cows who had to settle for second row seats.  Available in even sizes 8-14, wide width only.
$169.95 + shipping and extra handling

Sparkle Cow Bell- Plated in sterling silver, the cow bell is engraved with "More cow bell".  For an additional $20 there is enough room to add your Glambert or Sparkle Cow number.  Note:  Before your bell is engraved, your number will be verified by a moderator at Adam’s official site.
$169.95 + shipping and extra handling

Disclaimer: Biggest Leeker is 100% fake news exclusively about Adam Lambert and is proud to be the only fake news site dedicated exclusively to one artist.
 

New guildelines posted for Glamberts

A letter addressed to Adam Lambert's fan mail address was mistakenly delivered to an undisclosed recipient.  The letter from a 55 year old Glambert laments over how to purchase and enjoy Adam's new music without hurting him.  These "Smotherhens" as they are called have been inundated with suggestions that they are uncool, too old and ultimately hurting Adam's image.

Adam Lambert was the runner-up on the eighth season of American Idol and is openly gay.

"Trespassing", Lambert's second studio album, debuted at #1.  Demographic statistics proved that 96.9% of first day sales (including pre-sales) were from women over age 50 who purchased multiple copies.  When second week sales plummeted it was decided that Lambert not tour North America in order to not tarnish his image any further.  Lambert's former label and management quickly learned that these older females' income was in the top two percentile and many were able to travel to multiple concerts during his "Not in the USA" tour.  Although Lambert has never complained publicly about his biggest supporters, one of his crew members said the smell of wrinkled vaginas in the front row was palpable.

OMG, Lambert's new management company, announced that "Grotto Spa on Fire" is the first single from "The Original High", and will be released on April 1, 2015.   OMG will be proactive in keeping the "Over 50 Shades of Cray" from hijacking Lambert's success this time around.  Glamberts of a certain age have been given their instructions on how best to behave in advance of the single release.  The goal of Lambert's team for "Era 3" as it's been called, is to have a Platinum hit from radio play in the US and to achieve that status with the majority of first week album sales from the 12-29 demographic, even though that ideal demographic does not listen to radio or purchase physical albums. 

OMG has published these instructions and hopes that the Glamberts don't take them personally and understand the guidelines are designed to protect Adam Lambert.  Statistics show that his image was damaged considerably from his recent worldwide, sold out tour fronting the legendary Queen.

Males age 12-19: Wait for the single release, then hit Shazam on any of Lambert's music.  Make an Adam Lambert channel on Pandora and listen on your phone on the school bus.  Please purchase the single on iTunes and/or Amazon as soon as it is available as they closely track demographics.  If you have time after your homework is done, between the hours of 8-11PM EST, Google "Grotto Spa on Fire" or "The Original High" and Tweet using the hashtag #YoungStraightSingleMaleGlambertLovesGrottoSpaOnFire.  We apologize for the hashtag using so many of your 140 characters, but it is crucial since trending on Twitter in the near future will count toward album sales figures.

Males age 20-29: Those of you who have a job in this lousy economy, starting now, while at work, hit Shazam on any of Lambert's music and listen to your Adam Lambert channel on Pandora.  On  your home computer listen to Adam's newer music on Spotify.  We know you already Listen to Top 40 radio stations online at home and we ask that you fill out the online request forms, requesting "Grotto Spa on Fire".  Do not listen to any other stations, especially online, including Conservative Talk/News, Oldies or Adult Contemporary.  If you are unemployed or underemployed, please refrain from listening to Adam Lambert until June 1, 2015.

Males age 30-49:  We understand that you probably work a high paying job during the day and have no time to bother with music.  But we need your sales numbers.  Please open a Twitter account and state your age as 25 as it has been determined to be the optimum "cool" demographic.  During your lunch break, no matter what time zone you live in, Tweet using the hashtag #YoungStraightSingleMaleGlambertLovesGrottoSpaOnFire.  This is important because the 12-19 males who love Adam Lambert don't currently exist according to the latest statistics.  We believe that this demographic did exist at one time but since Lambert took too long of a break between albums to tour with Queen, they now fall into the next age bracket.

Males over 50:  At any time when you are not hooked up to oxygen, ask your caretaker or second wife to make an Adam Lambert channel on Pandora.  That's not too complicated and most of his music is calming.  If you have an android or iPhone, please Tweet to @Adamlambert so he sees it and use the hashtag #GayMaleLovesAdamLambert.  This leaves you a few characters to say something sweet to him.  He's looking for love right now anyway.  If you are awake when he answers your Tweet, please play along and Tweet to brag that Adam Tweeted you.  This will cause his 2.4 million Smotherhen followers to breathe a happy sigh and cream their adult diapers.  Ultimately this hurts Adam but he gets a kick out of it.

Females under 15: Although we know you are out there, please, when using Twitter and other social media, refer to Adam as "Uncle Adam".  We know that a week feels like a year, but please wait until April 8, 2015 to purchase "Grotto Spa on Fire" from iTunes using the gift card you got for your birthday from your Glambert Grannie.  Since statistics show this gift card was at least $100, please buy Taylor Swift's new single also.

Females 16-25:  Congratulations!  Besides the males 12-19, you are the young, hip demographic Adam needs to be successful.  If you did not pre-order, feel free to buy "Grotto Spa on Fire" within the first hour of its release.  If you are in school, please leave your iPad or tablet at home and ask your stepmother to log into your account to buy it.  It's important that you use an online source to place the order. Please use all forms of social media to say how much you love Adam Lambert and that you want to have sex with him.  Although the universe knows you will never have that chance, it still helps his image.  If you have ever had your picture taken with Adam and you are petite and cute, feel free to use that picture in your profile.  Please do not use your own assessment of your cuteness.  We suggest you ask ten friends if you could pass as a pretty androgynous elf.  The Smotherthens get a kick out of pretending you are one of those twinks that Adam sleeps with.  It gives them fresh ideas for their fanfic.  The stuff with Kris Allen, although pretty damned hot, is outdated.  NOTE: Google the term "grotto spa" if you don't know what it is.  Adam has one in his back yard and it is what inspired the single "Grotto Spa on Fire".

Females 26-49:  We love you but please wait til June 1, 2015 to purchase or request "Grotto Spa on Fire".  If you are 49 and your 50th birthday is before 12/31/2015, please read the instructions for the following demographic.

Females over 50 shades of Cray:  Seriously, OMG loves your enthusiasm, unending support and most of all your money, but you are hurting Adam.  We beg you to delete your Twitter accounts even if you have lied about your age and have an awesome picture of Adam with your sorry, fat, ugly self as your profile picture.  All your demographic info was taken the day you signed up for his official web site, fan club and Facebook.  If you write a blog or created a Facebook group that can document more than 19 members or readers, please change the spelling of Adam's name to "Adam Larnbert".  It still looks like his name but it's not.  It's LARNBERT and any hits to these will not damage him as much.  We know everything about you based on the pictures you click on, the tee shirts you buy and the comments you make about wanting to have sex with him.  It's creepy.  Just stop.  Do not purchase the single "Grotto Spa on Fire".  Wait for the CD to come out later this year.  We have no release date yet as Adam is still suggesting edits to the pictures every time one of his muscles gets bigger.  He knows that chest is looking pretty fine and is debating about including any of the shirtless pics he had taken.  The last photo shoot included some clothing provided by Dolce and Gabana and he is thinking about protesting by including a scene in his music video for "Grotto Spa on Fire" where he destroys the clothing by throwing them in his grotto spa, which is on fire.  Of course we are begging you to please not watch the video on the internet and to have one of your kids purchase "The Original High" at Walmart or Target instead any online source where demographics are closely monitored.  Again, Adam has not said anything publicly about you gals, but we are working on other ways to keep you from hurting him any further.  Tee shirts at the Adam Store will no longer be available in Large, X-Large and 1X, 2X or 3X.  4X will remain available since it's cheaper to let you wear that tee shirt than to put an ad on the side of a bus.  We also ask that you do not make your own tee shirts from pictures you find online or knit afghans with Adam's image.  This hurts Adam more than you know.  Last of all, a tour is being planned, and unlike Glam Nation and Queen + Adam Lambert, we ask that you please stay home.  We will do our best to make live streams more readily available and we are working on other online sources that you can enjoy that do not track your demographics.

Again, we hope you won't take any of this personally no matter which demographic you fit into as we know you only want the very best for Adam.  As his new management this goes beyond Adam being "for your entertainment" and making money (Thank you Queen).  This is about Adam's image as being young, hip and gorgeous with fans who are also young, hip and gorgeous.  We also thank you on behalf of Adam for your past support that has allowed him to buy a fancy house in Hollywood Hills with a grotto spa, a Bentley Continental and some new boots. 

Disclaimer: Biggest Leeker is 100% fake news exclusively about Adam Lambert and is proud to be the only fake news site dedicated exclusively to one artist.

Adam Lambert new album "The Original Sin" track list leeked

The Original Sin

Cuts from Adam Lambert’s new album, due out in the Frummer, have been leeked.  A man claiming to be close to the openly gay American Idol runner-up contacted Biggest Leeker’s London office saying he would reveal the track list but requested anonymity. 

The man is quoted as saying, “My son sent me an email with snippets of some tracks, wanting me to give my opinion.”

Here is a sampling of some of the tracks even though the final cuts haven’t been made.  Apparently there will be nine different versions for different regions, each having different bonus tracks.

ORIGINAL SIN:  The title track is about the alleged first fuck between Eve and Adam.  Yes, my son is vain enough to think it was him in a past life.

NINE COMMANDMENTS: God took off the one about adultery.  We should love everyone as much as possible.

SNAKE BITE:  I think Adam is looking for a reason to get out the vampire teeth.  The snake is a euphemism for a penis.  That should be obvious.

PAIN IN THE ASS:  I think it’s about RCA’s sabotage of his last album but Adam says it’s about anal sex with someone with a nine inch penis.  Again, he’s vain enough to think it’s all about him.

FREDDIE:  Although no one can replace Freddie Mercury, Adam decided he would write this tribute and sing it using his best British accent.  Cheeky chap he is.

GLAM IS NOT DEAD:  Adam gets nostalgic and delusional.  It died with disco, both times.

STAYING:  No, it’s not a cover of “Stay” but about his ability to last 45 minutes.  He always bites off more than he can chew.

BODY LANGUAGE:  Finally a cover song on his album.  The video is supposed to feature film clips of Queen showing off their naked bodies.  No shots of Adam showing anything.  Sorry Glamgolia.  But he did say he was naked when he recorded the song in the studio, but everyone had to check their phones at the door.  He wanted the song to sound authentic.

RED STAINS:  The color for the album will feature red.  He started to explain what the red stains are from and I got too freaked out to place it in permanent memory.

FEATHERS AND RHINESTONES:  It’s about fetishes.  Since Adam is pretty vanilla, he got help from the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race, especially his friend Sutan.

CONSERVATIVE THINKING:  For some reason Adam embraces his right-wing conservative fans because they are the ones who have all the money to spend on his stuff.  I hate conservatives.  I lump them all together because they are all the same.  Is that so wrong?  But he writes this song about embracing and loving everyone.  I think he just wants to piss me off.

Adam Lambert to front KISS for US tour

Drinking and drugs have finally taken their toll on the current members of KISS, so much so that they are unable to sing at the level their loyal fans have come to expect.

Enter Adam Lambert!

Because the cover story was written months ago, there is no mention in Rolling Stone of the openly gay American Idol runner-up joining the iconic group.  Lambert will be taking his rightful place fronting another iconic group, QUEEN, for a North American tour beginning June 19th and then join KISS for the last leg of their 2014 tour in August. 

Lambert first met the members of KISS and QUEEN when he performed with them on the American Idol Season 8 finale.  Lambert has said that he was finally able to show his full "glam" self once the voting on Idol was over when he sang with KISS dressed in 6" glittery platform boots, head to toe leather, shoulder cages and rhinestones glued to his eyelids.  Although both groups offered Lambert jobs after the epic finale, he had his own promising career to launch but promised to stay in contact.

Lambert is currently working on his third studio album that has now been delayed into early 2015.  Although lyrics were leeked on the eve of April Fool's Day, Lambert did share that his latest effort will be the most surreal, down-to-earth, honest, post gay mix of genres to date.  A source close to Lambert says that he is struggling to please all his fans who are begging for everything from more rock to more covers to more electronic dance music.  Lambert just finished a stint on Glee where he played Elliott "Starchild" Gilbert and is entertaining an offer for a spinoff where the current New York City cast moves back to Elliott's home town of Paramus, NJ where Kurt, Rachel, Santana and Elliott open a Karaoke bar inside one of the Paramus malls.

It is not certain whether current ticket holders for the August concert dates can request a refund.  Until confirmation is obtained, ticket holders are urged to contact the Glamberts to possibly purchase the tickets as it is reported they will "buy anything".

Adam Lambert Launches New Recording Label OMG

Openly gay American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is expected to announce tomorrow that he is launching his own recording label called “OMG”. 

OMG has initially signed several independent artists and will record, produce and distribute Lambert’s new album.  Another new company, UNF was set up to create and distribute any related merchandise associated with OMG’s artists.   

Set for release no sooner than January 1, 2014, Lambert’s new album is tentatively called “iSon”, and is inspired by the comet Ison which is expected to create plasma dragons in the sky.  Since Lambert is known as a “Glittery alien from Planet Fierce”, he is promising to bring back the glitter and glam that so many of his Glamberts missed with his last album, “Trespassing”.  

Lambert also adds that he enjoyed working as a DJ on Ellen and collaborating with Avicii and has decided to do some additional remixing under the name “T-Werk”.  His first project is to bring the song “20th Century Boy” into the 21st century.  

Official confirmation is expected that OMG has signed “Nile Rivers”, an indie band that is said to have the musical gravitas of Nile Rodgers and the sophistication of Joan Rivers.  Also rumored to have signed is parody artist Smiley Serious, the youngest daughter of Weird Al Yankonit.  

It was visible that Lambert was excited about another project.  Expected to be finished in time to compete with the Super Bowl half-time show featuring Lambert’s nemesis, Bruno Mars, Lambert and OMG plan to collaborate with longtime friends Will Cherry and Madonna Pittman to produce a spectacle similar to “The Zodiac Show” called “Cockroaches on Uranus”.

SPOILER ALERT! Adam Lambert's role on GLEE leeked

Demi Lovalatio, a disgruntled fluffer on the set of GLEE, contacted Biggest Leeker’s office and disclosed the details of Adam Lambert’s role on the popular show, now filming its sixth season.

Lovalatio was busy trying to get Lambert, the openly gay runner-up from American Idol’s eighth season, ready for his opening scene and became angry when Lambert declared that he didn’t need her help to prepare.  Lovalatio was promised a small singing part with Lambert if he enjoyed working with her.  Lovalatio is a huge fan of Lambert and said she was more excited for this opportunity than she was to work with a big purple dinosaur. 

Lovalatio contacted Biggest Leeker’s office shortly after being escorted off the GLEE set in New York City.

Lovalatio revealed that because of Lambert’s creativity, the producers of GLEE came up with the concept of Lambert’s character, Shane Sheldon, to own a food truck, but allowed Lambert to decide on its design and what food(s) it would sell.  The food truck parks near the apartment shared by Rachel, Santana and Kurt. And like many Broadway wannabes in New York City, Shane needs several sources income to make ends meet.  So when the food truck closes after the lunch rush, Shane gives singing lessons in the rear of the truck.  Lambert, never missing an opportunity to be a little naughty, decided to sell sausages.  Lambert said that he enjoys the look, feel and smell of the sausage varieties. The truck business, “Shane Sheldon’s Sausages” sells keilbasi sandwiches, hot dogs and Italian hot sausages that are all guaranteed to be at least nine inches long.  Originally he planned to have a juice truck, but New Yorker’s don’t have the same love for liquid kale as Californians, so he thought it wouldn’t be believable.

Lovalatio continues to spill more details of Lambert’s opening scene.  Kurt visits Shane’s food truck the first day it arrives and sees that the menu includes singing lessons.  Noticing that his sausage was only six inches, Kurt asks for a singing lesson instead of the usual “gurarantee”. During the session Kurt and Shane come up with a perfect jingle for Shane’s business.  The catchy jingle will be available on MyToons and the single will be released for charity.  Lambert chose the charity “Vegan Vagabonds” as they provide meat to children of vegans and vegetarians who chose to escape the meatless lifestyle unfairly imposed on them.  Some New Yorkers are upset that a large percentage of the funds will end up in California instead of staying in New York.  In a related story, students back at McKinley High organize a sit-in-sing-a-thon to protest the school’s policy of banning food trucks from school property.

Lovalatio says she isn’t taking her dismissal sitting down and is in discussions with another network to create a reality show where she gives voice lessons out of a food truck.