New guildelines posted for Glamberts

A letter addressed to Adam Lambert's fan mail address was mistakenly delivered to an undisclosed recipient.  The letter from a 55 year old Glambert laments over how to purchase and enjoy Adam's new music without hurting him.  These "Smotherhens" as they are called have been inundated with suggestions that they are uncool, too old and ultimately hurting Adam's image.

Adam Lambert was the runner-up on the eighth season of American Idol and is openly gay.

"Trespassing", Lambert's second studio album, debuted at #1.  Demographic statistics proved that 96.9% of first day sales (including pre-sales) were from women over age 50 who purchased multiple copies.  When second week sales plummeted it was decided that Lambert not tour North America in order to not tarnish his image any further.  Lambert's former label and management quickly learned that these older females' income was in the top two percentile and many were able to travel to multiple concerts during his "Not in the USA" tour.  Although Lambert has never complained publicly about his biggest supporters, one of his crew members said the smell of wrinkled vaginas in the front row was palpable.

OMG, Lambert's new management company, announced that "Grotto Spa on Fire" is the first single from "The Original High", and will be released on April 1, 2015.   OMG will be proactive in keeping the "Over 50 Shades of Cray" from hijacking Lambert's success this time around.  Glamberts of a certain age have been given their instructions on how best to behave in advance of the single release.  The goal of Lambert's team for "Era 3" as it's been called, is to have a Platinum hit from radio play in the US and to achieve that status with the majority of first week album sales from the 12-29 demographic, even though that ideal demographic does not listen to radio or purchase physical albums. 

OMG has published these instructions and hopes that the Glamberts don't take them personally and understand the guidelines are designed to protect Adam Lambert.  Statistics show that his image was damaged considerably from his recent worldwide, sold out tour fronting the legendary Queen.

Males age 12-19: Wait for the single release, then hit Shazam on any of Lambert's music.  Make an Adam Lambert channel on Pandora and listen on your phone on the school bus.  Please purchase the single on iTunes and/or Amazon as soon as it is available as they closely track demographics.  If you have time after your homework is done, between the hours of 8-11PM EST, Google "Grotto Spa on Fire" or "The Original High" and Tweet using the hashtag #YoungStraightSingleMaleGlambertLovesGrottoSpaOnFire.  We apologize for the hashtag using so many of your 140 characters, but it is crucial since trending on Twitter in the near future will count toward album sales figures.

Males age 20-29: Those of you who have a job in this lousy economy, starting now, while at work, hit Shazam on any of Lambert's music and listen to your Adam Lambert channel on Pandora.  On  your home computer listen to Adam's newer music on Spotify.  We know you already Listen to Top 40 radio stations online at home and we ask that you fill out the online request forms, requesting "Grotto Spa on Fire".  Do not listen to any other stations, especially online, including Conservative Talk/News, Oldies or Adult Contemporary.  If you are unemployed or underemployed, please refrain from listening to Adam Lambert until June 1, 2015.

Males age 30-49:  We understand that you probably work a high paying job during the day and have no time to bother with music.  But we need your sales numbers.  Please open a Twitter account and state your age as 25 as it has been determined to be the optimum "cool" demographic.  During your lunch break, no matter what time zone you live in, Tweet using the hashtag #YoungStraightSingleMaleGlambertLovesGrottoSpaOnFire.  This is important because the 12-19 males who love Adam Lambert don't currently exist according to the latest statistics.  We believe that this demographic did exist at one time but since Lambert took too long of a break between albums to tour with Queen, they now fall into the next age bracket.

Males over 50:  At any time when you are not hooked up to oxygen, ask your caretaker or second wife to make an Adam Lambert channel on Pandora.  That's not too complicated and most of his music is calming.  If you have an android or iPhone, please Tweet to @Adamlambert so he sees it and use the hashtag #GayMaleLovesAdamLambert.  This leaves you a few characters to say something sweet to him.  He's looking for love right now anyway.  If you are awake when he answers your Tweet, please play along and Tweet to brag that Adam Tweeted you.  This will cause his 2.4 million Smotherhen followers to breathe a happy sigh and cream their adult diapers.  Ultimately this hurts Adam but he gets a kick out of it.

Females under 15: Although we know you are out there, please, when using Twitter and other social media, refer to Adam as "Uncle Adam".  We know that a week feels like a year, but please wait until April 8, 2015 to purchase "Grotto Spa on Fire" from iTunes using the gift card you got for your birthday from your Glambert Grannie.  Since statistics show this gift card was at least $100, please buy Taylor Swift's new single also.

Females 16-25:  Congratulations!  Besides the males 12-19, you are the young, hip demographic Adam needs to be successful.  If you did not pre-order, feel free to buy "Grotto Spa on Fire" within the first hour of its release.  If you are in school, please leave your iPad or tablet at home and ask your stepmother to log into your account to buy it.  It's important that you use an online source to place the order. Please use all forms of social media to say how much you love Adam Lambert and that you want to have sex with him.  Although the universe knows you will never have that chance, it still helps his image.  If you have ever had your picture taken with Adam and you are petite and cute, feel free to use that picture in your profile.  Please do not use your own assessment of your cuteness.  We suggest you ask ten friends if you could pass as a pretty androgynous elf.  The Smotherthens get a kick out of pretending you are one of those twinks that Adam sleeps with.  It gives them fresh ideas for their fanfic.  The stuff with Kris Allen, although pretty damned hot, is outdated.  NOTE: Google the term "grotto spa" if you don't know what it is.  Adam has one in his back yard and it is what inspired the single "Grotto Spa on Fire".

Females 26-49:  We love you but please wait til June 1, 2015 to purchase or request "Grotto Spa on Fire".  If you are 49 and your 50th birthday is before 12/31/2015, please read the instructions for the following demographic.

Females over 50 shades of Cray:  Seriously, OMG loves your enthusiasm, unending support and most of all your money, but you are hurting Adam.  We beg you to delete your Twitter accounts even if you have lied about your age and have an awesome picture of Adam with your sorry, fat, ugly self as your profile picture.  All your demographic info was taken the day you signed up for his official web site, fan club and Facebook.  If you write a blog or created a Facebook group that can document more than 19 members or readers, please change the spelling of Adam's name to "Adam Larnbert".  It still looks like his name but it's not.  It's LARNBERT and any hits to these will not damage him as much.  We know everything about you based on the pictures you click on, the tee shirts you buy and the comments you make about wanting to have sex with him.  It's creepy.  Just stop.  Do not purchase the single "Grotto Spa on Fire".  Wait for the CD to come out later this year.  We have no release date yet as Adam is still suggesting edits to the pictures every time one of his muscles gets bigger.  He knows that chest is looking pretty fine and is debating about including any of the shirtless pics he had taken.  The last photo shoot included some clothing provided by Dolce and Gabana and he is thinking about protesting by including a scene in his music video for "Grotto Spa on Fire" where he destroys the clothing by throwing them in his grotto spa, which is on fire.  Of course we are begging you to please not watch the video on the internet and to have one of your kids purchase "The Original High" at Walmart or Target instead any online source where demographics are closely monitored.  Again, Adam has not said anything publicly about you gals, but we are working on other ways to keep you from hurting him any further.  Tee shirts at the Adam Store will no longer be available in Large, X-Large and 1X, 2X or 3X.  4X will remain available since it's cheaper to let you wear that tee shirt than to put an ad on the side of a bus.  We also ask that you do not make your own tee shirts from pictures you find online or knit afghans with Adam's image.  This hurts Adam more than you know.  Last of all, a tour is being planned, and unlike Glam Nation and Queen + Adam Lambert, we ask that you please stay home.  We will do our best to make live streams more readily available and we are working on other online sources that you can enjoy that do not track your demographics.

Again, we hope you won't take any of this personally no matter which demographic you fit into as we know you only want the very best for Adam.  As his new management this goes beyond Adam being "for your entertainment" and making money (Thank you Queen).  This is about Adam's image as being young, hip and gorgeous with fans who are also young, hip and gorgeous.  We also thank you on behalf of Adam for your past support that has allowed him to buy a fancy house in Hollywood Hills with a grotto spa, a Bentley Continental and some new boots. 

Disclaimer: Biggest Leeker is 100% fake news exclusively about Adam Lambert and is proud to be the only fake news site dedicated exclusively to one artist.

Adam Lambert new album "The Original Sin" track list leeked

The Original Sin

Cuts from Adam Lambert’s new album, due out in the Frummer, have been leeked.  A man claiming to be close to the openly gay American Idol runner-up contacted Biggest Leeker’s London office saying he would reveal the track list but requested anonymity. 

The man is quoted as saying, “My son sent me an email with snippets of some tracks, wanting me to give my opinion.”

Here is a sampling of some of the tracks even though the final cuts haven’t been made.  Apparently there will be nine different versions for different regions, each having different bonus tracks.

ORIGINAL SIN:  The title track is about the alleged first fuck between Eve and Adam.  Yes, my son is vain enough to think it was him in a past life.

NINE COMMANDMENTS: God took off the one about adultery.  We should love everyone as much as possible.

SNAKE BITE:  I think Adam is looking for a reason to get out the vampire teeth.  The snake is a euphemism for a penis.  That should be obvious.

PAIN IN THE ASS:  I think it’s about RCA’s sabotage of his last album but Adam says it’s about anal sex with someone with a nine inch penis.  Again, he’s vain enough to think it’s all about him.

FREDDIE:  Although no one can replace Freddie Mercury, Adam decided he would write this tribute and sing it using his best British accent.  Cheeky chap he is.

GLAM IS NOT DEAD:  Adam gets nostalgic and delusional.  It died with disco, both times.

STAYING:  No, it’s not a cover of “Stay” but about his ability to last 45 minutes.  He always bites off more than he can chew.

BODY LANGUAGE:  Finally a cover song on his album.  The video is supposed to feature film clips of Queen showing off their naked bodies.  No shots of Adam showing anything.  Sorry Glamgolia.  But he did say he was naked when he recorded the song in the studio, but everyone had to check their phones at the door.  He wanted the song to sound authentic.

RED STAINS:  The color for the album will feature red.  He started to explain what the red stains are from and I got too freaked out to place it in permanent memory.

FEATHERS AND RHINESTONES:  It’s about fetishes.  Since Adam is pretty vanilla, he got help from the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race, especially his friend Sutan.

CONSERVATIVE THINKING:  For some reason Adam embraces his right-wing conservative fans because they are the ones who have all the money to spend on his stuff.  I hate conservatives.  I lump them all together because they are all the same.  Is that so wrong?  But he writes this song about embracing and loving everyone.  I think he just wants to piss me off.

Adam Lambert to front KISS for US tour

Drinking and drugs have finally taken their toll on the current members of KISS, so much so that they are unable to sing at the level their loyal fans have come to expect.

Enter Adam Lambert!

Because the cover story was written months ago, there is no mention in Rolling Stone of the openly gay American Idol runner-up joining the iconic group.  Lambert will be taking his rightful place fronting another iconic group, QUEEN, for a North American tour beginning June 19th and then join KISS for the last leg of their 2014 tour in August. 

Lambert first met the members of KISS and QUEEN when he performed with them on the American Idol Season 8 finale.  Lambert has said that he was finally able to show his full "glam" self once the voting on Idol was over when he sang with KISS dressed in 6" glittery platform boots, head to toe leather, shoulder cages and rhinestones glued to his eyelids.  Although both groups offered Lambert jobs after the epic finale, he had his own promising career to launch but promised to stay in contact.

Lambert is currently working on his third studio album that has now been delayed into early 2015.  Although lyrics were leeked on the eve of April Fool's Day, Lambert did share that his latest effort will be the most surreal, down-to-earth, honest, post gay mix of genres to date.  A source close to Lambert says that he is struggling to please all his fans who are begging for everything from more rock to more covers to more electronic dance music.  Lambert just finished a stint on Glee where he played Elliott "Starchild" Gilbert and is entertaining an offer for a spinoff where the current New York City cast moves back to Elliott's home town of Paramus, NJ where Kurt, Rachel, Santana and Elliott open a Karaoke bar inside one of the Paramus malls.

It is not certain whether current ticket holders for the August concert dates can request a refund.  Until confirmation is obtained, ticket holders are urged to contact the Glamberts to possibly purchase the tickets as it is reported they will "buy anything".

Adam Lambert Launches New Recording Label OMG

Openly gay American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is expected to announce tomorrow that he is launching his own recording label called “OMG”. 

OMG has initially signed several independent artists and will record, produce and distribute Lambert’s new album.  Another new company, UNF was set up to create and distribute any related merchandise associated with OMG’s artists.   

Set for release no sooner than January 1, 2014, Lambert’s new album is tentatively called “iSon”, and is inspired by the comet Ison which is expected to create plasma dragons in the sky.  Since Lambert is known as a “Glittery alien from Planet Fierce”, he is promising to bring back the glitter and glam that so many of his Glamberts missed with his last album, “Trespassing”.  

Lambert also adds that he enjoyed working as a DJ on Ellen and collaborating with Avicii and has decided to do some additional remixing under the name “T-Werk”.  His first project is to bring the song “20th Century Boy” into the 21st century.  

Official confirmation is expected that OMG has signed “Nile Rivers”, an indie band that is said to have the musical gravitas of Nile Rodgers and the sophistication of Joan Rivers.  Also rumored to have signed is parody artist Smiley Serious, the youngest daughter of Weird Al Yankonit.  

It was visible that Lambert was excited about another project.  Expected to be finished in time to compete with the Super Bowl half-time show featuring Lambert’s nemesis, Bruno Mars, Lambert and OMG plan to collaborate with longtime friends Will Cherry and Madonna Pittman to produce a spectacle similar to “The Zodiac Show” called “Cockroaches on Uranus”.

SPOILER ALERT! Adam Lambert's role on GLEE leeked

Demi Lovalatio, a disgruntled fluffer on the set of GLEE, contacted Biggest Leeker’s office and disclosed the details of Adam Lambert’s role on the popular show, now filming its sixth season.

Lovalatio was busy trying to get Lambert, the openly gay runner-up from American Idol’s eighth season, ready for his opening scene and became angry when Lambert declared that he didn’t need her help to prepare.  Lovalatio was promised a small singing part with Lambert if he enjoyed working with her.  Lovalatio is a huge fan of Lambert and said she was more excited for this opportunity than she was to work with a big purple dinosaur. 

Lovalatio contacted Biggest Leeker’s office shortly after being escorted off the GLEE set in New York City.

Lovalatio revealed that because of Lambert’s creativity, the producers of GLEE came up with the concept of Lambert’s character, Shane Sheldon, to own a food truck, but allowed Lambert to decide on its design and what food(s) it would sell.  The food truck parks near the apartment shared by Rachel, Santana and Kurt. And like many Broadway wannabes in New York City, Shane needs several sources income to make ends meet.  So when the food truck closes after the lunch rush, Shane gives singing lessons in the rear of the truck.  Lambert, never missing an opportunity to be a little naughty, decided to sell sausages.  Lambert said that he enjoys the look, feel and smell of the sausage varieties. The truck business, “Shane Sheldon’s Sausages” sells keilbasi sandwiches, hot dogs and Italian hot sausages that are all guaranteed to be at least nine inches long.  Originally he planned to have a juice truck, but New Yorker’s don’t have the same love for liquid kale as Californians, so he thought it wouldn’t be believable.

Lovalatio continues to spill more details of Lambert’s opening scene.  Kurt visits Shane’s food truck the first day it arrives and sees that the menu includes singing lessons.  Noticing that his sausage was only six inches, Kurt asks for a singing lesson instead of the usual “gurarantee”. During the session Kurt and Shane come up with a perfect jingle for Shane’s business.  The catchy jingle will be available on MyToons and the single will be released for charity.  Lambert chose the charity “Vegan Vagabonds” as they provide meat to children of vegans and vegetarians who chose to escape the meatless lifestyle unfairly imposed on them.  Some New Yorkers are upset that a large percentage of the funds will end up in California instead of staying in New York.  In a related story, students back at McKinley High organize a sit-in-sing-a-thon to protest the school’s policy of banning food trucks from school property.

Lovalatio says she isn’t taking her dismissal sitting down and is in discussions with another network to create a reality show where she gives voice lessons out of a food truck.

Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken "Burn it Up" Together

Suspicious about the timing of pictures showing a shirtless Adam Lambert, Glamberts and Claymates will soon have the opportunity to purchase professional naked pictures.

Fans of the openly gay, American Idol runners up are begging to see their "Zeus in a Thong" and sexy "Sir Robin" naked. So the pair decided to team up for "Cray of Light", a charity they created, to provide safe sunbathing education and sunscreen products to freckled gingers and other fair skinned gay males in the world's hottest and sunniest areas.

The charity photo campaign called "Ginger Snaps" has Aiken and Lambert appearing naked together and separately in "tastefully edited" photographs that will be available for sale.  

Recently getting burned, Clay Aiken reached out to Adam Lambert, a fellow ginger, to get advice on how to keep from getting sunburned.  Lambert, being no stranger to getting burned commiserated with Aiken about his inability to fully enjoy some rays, and is usually seen on the hottest of days covering every inch of skin.

A few details have been leeked by James Blond, an intern and nephew of New York designers David and Phillipe Blond, who was a stylist for the photo shoot.  He said being a stylist for a naked photo shoot had its challenges, but Aiken and Lambert were up for it.  Blond shared a story about Lambert posing with an inflatable toy boat when Lambert joked, "We're gonna need a bigger boat". Aiken was having trouble walking after his most recent sun exposure where he burned his most sensitive area, the bottoms of his feet.  Lambert shared a tip, to wear knee high boots on the beach.  He said they also keep the sand out of your toes and protect your pedicure.

Blond spilled that a special collection of revealing poses will be autographed and auctioned.  Blond also joked that this will be one time fans will wish the pictures were not signed as the autographs cleverly cover some never seen skin.

Also, to introduce "Glambaik" a line of high end sunscreen (SPF69) products that also benefit the charity, West Hollywood wedding planner Mary Mitamoro is staging a nude beach "wedding" which is scheduled to take place at an undisclosed location.  Rumors have surfaced that Lambert and Aiken are planning to do a duet, unless it was misunderstood and are planning to "do it".

Choice seats directly in front and in back of Adam and Clay are already commanding thousands of dollars on ScalpMasters.com.  Listen for an official announcement about the photographs and auction on iHateRadio.

Weird Al Yankonit parodies Adam Lambert's "Trespassing"

Weird Al Yankonit, the latest celebrity to come out of the closet, is ready to release his first big gay dance album. Inspired by Adam Lambert’s “TRESPASSING”, Yankonit’s parody mocks Lambert’s obsession with sex and food. Refer often to the Urban Dictionary. Titled “TRESPLOSHING”, here are the descriptions of each track:

1. TRESPLOSHING) The title track is Yankonit calling Lambert out for continuing to say that he is “vanilla” because gay sex, as Yankonit has recently learned, is anything but “vanilla”, and is at the very least kind of a “fudge swirl.” This hand clapping, fist pumping romp will have everyone asking for some extra hot fudge.



2. COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO) This “rooster” kind of tastes like chicken once you add some hot gravy. Written about Lambert's boyfriend Sauli Moreskinin, a huge “cock-a-doodle-doo” sung in unison, penetrates an otherwise dark song.



3. SHADEN) Just when you thought S&M music was all starting to sound the same, the opening of this song will have you digging out the whips and the whipped cream. This one is a hot, sticky mess.



4. NEVER FROZE OUR PIES) Written by Bruno Mars it confirms his love for pie, both fruit and cream. The apple should be eaten at room temperature while the cream should be chilled, but never frozen. Save that for the fudge swirl ice cream.



5. LICKIN’ IN) Also known as “The Lollypop Song”, it’s about Lambert and Moreskinin’s first encounter in Helsinki. There is a surprise Tootsie Roll in the middle of the song, adding to the sticky mess of this album.



6. CAKED LOVE) This is what happens when you get a little high and go home alone. The a capella solo features some new lows we’ve never heard before from Yankonit.



7. POP THAT WOK) What is sploshing without a kinky Eastern twist? Heat up the sesame oil and throw on some vegetables. The crunchy veggies are best served on a soft bed of steamed rice. This is one of the healthier selections on an album that is divided with one side being about healthy choices and the other about junk.



8. BATTER THAT I THROW ON MYSELF) If you take chocolate fudge cake and mix it with golden vanilla, you get the perfect mix, marble. Personally, I like something with a little more texture and spice. This one slips in and slips out pretty quick.



9. BROKEN ENGLISH MUFFIN) Lambert’s tale of having sex with a woman. And who would have guessed? It happened in England. You can feel the butter dripping into the tiny crevices.  This is the one song that just doesn't fit on such a big, gay dance album.



10. WONDERWHEAT) It’s the healthiest and sexiest way to get your daily fiber to keep everything sliding nicely through the digestive track.  I would best describe this as a  big, gay mash-up of Stevie Wonder and Buckwheat.



11. ARTICHOKEHOLD) Dip it into butter and sink your teeth into this evil looking vegetable with its prickly leaves and flowering head.



12. INLAWS OF LOVE) A Christmas visit to meet the rest of the Moreskinin family inspired this song that’s all about the meat balls and other Finnish favorites.



13. RUNNIN’) This bone ass track is only found on the US release as no other country has embraced “juicing” like they have in California. The juice cleanses and gay sex go hand in hand, but we warn you though that beets and kale can leave some stains to explain





What? No leeks? They’re the perfect size and shape, crunchy and juicy. I guess we will release our own single. Leeks are so underrated.